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The Box

Sun, 6 Jun 2010 19:30:34 -0700

I was looking at pictures this morning before church. This particular series of shots gave me a good laugh so I thought I’d share.

And one more (from the day before).

Elephant

Tue, 25 May 2010 10:27:30 -0700

Today a friend sent me a recipe from someone’s blog. I just happened to scroll down and glance at a few previous posts and came across a photo of the women’s son (looking about Cooper’s age) on an airplane holding the same blue elephant that Cooper had and loved. It made me miss Cooper, but then I started to look through pictures of him with that elephant and it made me laugh while I cried.

(don’t mind the yogurt soaked shirt...he didn’t like to wear bibs)

(reading the newspaper with his pal.)

(yes, he is sleeping!)

Coop’s elephant is kind of like the gnome that travels the world and has its picture taken at random locations. That elephant (or perhaps I should say those elephants since we had two) went everywhere with us! Cooper could not sleep without one. It was lucky I got two at one of my baby showers because then I could wash one during his nap time and he still had the comfort of the other. It was especially nice when he was sick and that thing would get all snotty. It also helped out when we forgot them places. Mr. Elephant spent a few weeks in Nashville once because I accidentally left him behind. I loved peeking in on Cooper while he was sleeping and seeing that elephant nestled up against his face or Cooper curled up on top of it giving it a great, big bear hug as he slept.

In Copenhagen:

In Berlin:

In Florence:

In Munich:

In Salzburg:
(I had a really funny video of him on Salzburg with his elephant, but it doesn’t want to load for some reason.)

Riding in a white, stretch limo from SFO:
(How classy is that???)

One place you won’t see that silly elephant is in Paris. We somehow forgot to bring him and it was a nightmare! Cooper woke up every two hours screaming his head off and wouldn’t nap. It was sad.

Another reason I’m glad we had two was that we got to bury one with Cooper (snuggled right up against his face) and the other we’ve kept in his little keepsake box. I wonder if I will let any of his brothers or sisters play with it? Maybe, but I would be sad if we lost it.

Pathways Run

Thu, 13 May 2010 19:17:17 -0700

I mentioned just briefly previously that I did my first-ever race on Saturday, so I thought I would post a little more about it now. I really wanted to run a race before I did the half-marathon in June, so I signed up for the Los Altos Hills Pathways Run that some of my friends do each year. I heard that it was a pretty tough race, but I figured, why not?

I signed up for the 10k and Patrick did the 5k. Check out this elevation map. Brutal!

Luckily it was a really nice day and not too hot, but boy those hills were killer! I pulled a quad earlier in the week so I spent the days leading up to the race icing and stretching my poor muscle and not doing any runs, so I was definitely feeling a little stiff. The first half of the race I was tired, but kind of felt better toward the end, which is pretty typical of my runs. It seems to take me a good 3 or 4 miles to really get warmed up, which is not so great when the race is just over 6 miles. Anyway, it was still really fun and I can’t wait to train better for it next year and hopefully do a lot better.

Also, I have no idea what my time was and they haven’t posted it online yet. My watch said 1hr 5min but I started it a little late and it took forever to get through the start line (so maybe they cancelled each other out?), so yeah, I don’t really have any idea how long it really took me, but it wasn’t quick that’s for sure. Next year, if I’m in good shape and if I’ve actually trained on hills (like I said I was going to) then I’m totally gonna stand at the front of the line to avoid the craziness.

It was really great to see lots of familiar faces. Check out these pictures from Meghan. I love that so many gals I hang out with are so fit and active.

Jen, Meghan, Afton, Lindsey H., Lindsay Y., Maren (not pictured is Whitney, who had to leave early).
Maren and me just moments after crossing the finish line.
Most of the whole group.
If you don’t believe me that the race was brutal, just look at Ben’s face right before he crossed the finish.
In his defense he was terribly sick and congested, but still, the race was really hard, I swear!

Famous!?!?

Mon, 10 May 2010 17:11:17 -0700

Did anyone catch me on television today? I had my two minutes of fame on the View from the Bay this afternoon. It was actually really fun. My mom and I went up to ABC studios in San Francisco and got to be audience members of the live taping. I thought that we would just sit in the audience and when they introduced my recipe they would flash my face on the screen. Little did I know that they would mic me up and bring me on stage to chat with the hosts and the local chef that gave my pasta dish a make-over! I kind of wish I would have known I’d be up there because I would have a) chosen a cuter outfit, and b) actually done something with my hair. C’est la vie! It was really a fun afternoon and I was surprisingly less nervous on stage than I normally am before giving a talk in church. Funny, right?

I should also mention that the “makeover” recipe for my dish was delicious! Seriously, I’m not too proud to admit that it was way better than the original. Chef Eric Lee did a great job. And oh, the smell was divine. Try the recipe...you won’t be disappointed!

In case you missed it you can view it below. You have to watch a short commercial before the actual video. The clip is about 7 minutes and I am only on for the last two minutes.

And if you want to see more makeover dishes check out Hayley’s recipe for blueberry cheesecake which will be featured on Friday’s show (and you might just see me in the audience)! Good luck, Hayley!

*Update*
I just got some pictures (below) from Kristen Green of Kristen Green Public Relations. Thanks, Kristen!

Happy Mother’s Day

Sun, 9 May 2010 18:10:47 -0700

I have had a very tender heart the last few days. I have continued to think of Cooper constantly (as usual), but have recently been filled with an absolute longing to hold him close. It has been hard. I’m not sure if it’s the spirit of Mother’s Day or what, but I have just totally and completely yearned for his embrace. I miss snuggling with him. I miss hearing him say, “mmmmm” after we pray in anticipation for the kisses exchanged after family prayer. I miss reading books with him. I even miss fighting with him to change his diaper or wipe his face after a messy meal. I miss him handing me the remote or a dvd and saying “weewee” (meaning TV) while rubbing his belly to indicate “please”. I miss his smell. I miss the nonsense that came out of his mouth as he figured out how to communicate. I miss watching him laugh hysterically while watching videos of himself laughing hysterically. I miss him.

I am so grateful that I have not been alone the last few weeks and months, but I am especially grateful for the people that have surrounded me with their love and thoughts over the last few days. I have been so impressed and uplifted by the many ways in which people have shown their care and concern for me. I have received cards, emails, surprise ding-dong ditched gifts and outings for this special day. All of which were totally unexpected. I think people knew (more than I did) that this day might be hard for me, and for that I am grateful.

Today at church we talked about prayer. We were asked to reflect on a time when prayer had blessed our life. I think a few months ago I would have thought about times when I received answers to my personal prayers, but today I thought about being the recipient of prayers. I know that we continue to be prayed for because I feel the strength of those prayers in my life.

I am grateful for my husband. He is kind. He is smart. He is patient. He is a hard worker. And he is thoughtful. (among many other great things). For Mother’s Day he gave me a card. It read:

Roses are red.
Violets are green.
What a mom really wants,
Is her house to be clean.

Try as I might.
Try as I may.
To get it just right,
I’ll just have to pay.

His gift was a professional deep cleaning of our house. Oh, how I love that gift! It is hard enough for me to keep my house free of clutter, but dusting and mopping and those spots behind the toilet are just things I never seem (or want)to get to. The cleaners came on Friday and the scent of cleaning products that permeated the air brought a smile to my face. A great, big, huge smile.

Last night, a couple of my friends “kidnapped” me and took me to San Francisco for dinner and dessert. They also brought flowers and a gift certificate for a spa pedicure at my favorite place. How incredible is that? I really had to hold back tears when I found out what they were doing. It’s sometimes overwhelming to be surrounded by the best of people. These women are amazing examples to me of friends, mothers and spouses.

Despite all of the sadness I have been feeling I have also felt happy. On Saturday I ran in my first race ever (more on that later) and it was actually...exhilarating! And I loved all the free stuff we got afterwards (well, honestly, I could have done without the cereal made of chickpeas, lentils and split peas, but free is free, right?). I also got to go to lunch with my mom’s side of the family (all of her five siblings, their spouses and all of their children) for my Grandma’s birthday. I love spending time with my family. Yesterday I just felt so happy and peaceful to be there with them.

I also love the creativity which people have shown in bringing reminders of Cooper into our life. Some that I have mentioned here, like the lime tree we planted and the blueberry bush and the paintings and pictures, but also so many other things. Like the T-shirts we got for Easter that had stenciled Mini Coopers on them. There really have been too many to mention. And today we got a little gift on our doorstep. As a rule Patrick will not eat anything left without a card, but we figured it was someone that knew us and knew Cooper because it was a bag of berries with “blueberries” deliberately circled and a can of whipped cream.

I hope Cooper has perfect memories right now of the joy he experienced in his earthly life in the consumption of berries.

I have not been keeping up with people’s blogs lately, but tonight I spent some time catching up. I was so pleased and honored that even after several months people still mention Cooper in their posts. I am so touched that his short little life has made such an impact on the lives of so many. We are eternally grateful for the tender mercies that your actions have rendered our family. In the lows of my sadness I feel I have gained a more acute understanding of happiness. It makes me think of a quote from a post after Cooper died (it was quoted from a post which was quoted from another post).

"A recent essay in the Chronicle of Higher Education made the following point (ht: Andrew Sullivan):

I for one am afraid that American culture's overemphasis on happiness at the expense of sadness might be dangerous, a wanton forgetting of an essential part of a full life. I further am concerned that to desire only happiness in a world undoubtedly tragic is to become inauthentic, to settle for unrealistic abstractions that ignore concrete situations. I am finally fearful of our society's efforts to expunge melancholia. Without the agitations of the soul, would all of our magnificently yearning towers topple? Would our heart-torn symphonies cease?

This is something I've been thinking about for a long time. Obviously, feeling happy is a good thing, but what about feeling sad? One of the most interesting parts of Mormonism, for me, is its fundamentally tragic view, not only of life, but also of the afterlife. Good and evil, happiness and sorrow, must always exist together, because there is a necessary "opposition in all things." Even God cannot reconcile the competing contradictions and thus, in Mormon scripture, we find a "weeping" God. God is love, but loving means caring, and caring means as much sorrow as happiness. It seems to me that Mormonism does not promise so much a life that is happy, but a life that is full; not a pleasant life, but a rich life; not an existence of unending bliss, but of eternal creation. And creation is often born out of sorrow, like a heart-torn symphony.

So, next time you are sad, be happy that you are sad. A life without sadness is not a divine life. It is not even a human life. It is a life without love."

All I have to say to that is Amen! I had no idea that a decision I made as a teenager over a decade ago to join this church would be essential in surviving the loss of my sweet son. I really don’t know how it would be possible to survive such a tragedy without the perspective the gospel brings. On this Mother’s Day I am full of gratitude to know that I will see Cooper again. I may have moments of sadness and sorrow, but Heavenly Father is mindful of me and He continues to bless me during these times of need.

(Want to know more? Click here.)

Set your TiVos

Sat, 8 May 2010 07:13:09 -0700

I submitted one of my recipes to View from the Bay, a local afternoon talk show, and it will be featured on Monday’s episode.

When I say “featured” I mean that a local chef chose it as the one to which he wanted to add his own little spin. So...I’m not sure if I should be proud or offended that it’ll be on the show since it means my recipe was good enough to get picked, but not so good that someone didn’t think they could make it better. I’m interested to see what they do with it.

Here is the original recipe that they will be sprucing up. The show airs this Monday at 3pm PST on channel 7 (for all you locals). Or you can stream it live by clicking here. I think I will be in the studio audience, but I haven’t heard for sure. If not, they will announce my name and city. My 15 minutes of fame is getting chipped away at with some pretty mediocre spotlights...

Alas, I guess a life of fame and fortune is not my lot. ;)

The Garden

Thu, 6 May 2010 19:30:01 -0700

I just realized that it’s been ages since I last posted about the garden. I think part of the reason is that Patrick has been doing most of the work out there and I just admire from afar.

Here’s the super hot gardener in action (nice gardening outfit, guy):

I was out there today and there are lots of great things happening. I can’t wait for everything to be ready for our bellies! Here’s a little preview:

Tomato Ave.:

Pepper Lane:

Our Little Garden Community. We have yellow onions, strawberries, cucumber, spaghetti squash, eggplant, asparagus, chives, bush beans, jalapeño peppers, red peppers and five varieties of tomatoes.

The potatoes are like weeds, only better. We planted a few about a year-and-a-half ago. When we uprooted them we dug out what seemed like every last specimen, turning over all the dirt in quite a large radius, but somehow we always missed a few because they kept sprouting back up. We’re on round 4, I think, of a crop of potatoes we didn’t deliberately plant. Here’s a little peak at all the random potato sprouts that we’ve got. X marks the spot.

Here are some other random happenings around the yard:

Blueberries. A gift from Pat’s brother Chris and his wife Trisha after Cooper died. I love that they gave them to us in this giant blue container so if we move we can take it with us. And I like to think that’s what Cooper may have looked like if he kept eating as many blueberries as he did.

Blueberries were Cooper’s favorite. Good thing they’re dirt cheap in Germany because last summer Cooper ate them by the kilo!

Asparagus. I think we’re allowed to harvest these this year. I planted them two years ago and have just had to wait. This is the year!

Corn. Notice the drip irrigation system Farmer Pat installed.

Potatoes we actually planted. Yukon Gold.

Beets. Can’t wait for these guys. Love steamed beets!

Lettuce, spinach, more beets, yellow onions, purple onions, garlic, and maybe one or two leftover carrots.

I had six people over for lunch today to help eat all of our lettuce. We had salad as the main course and there were still leftovers! These pictures of the lettuce are from after I picked this giant bowl!

Did you see the carrots popping out of the left of the colander? Those were love carrots.

We also have marjoram. I haven’t cooked extensively with marjoram, but I found this recipe that includes cheese, butter, and pasta. I might just have to try it. Yum.

Figs. I don’t think there are as many as last year. Maybe I’ll be able to keep up?
Mission:
Calmyrna:

Nectarines:

Apricots:

I wanted to take a picture of our baby limes, but they are currently surrounded by a juniper graveyard.

We would still like to plant arugula, okra, pumpkins, cilantro and mint.

What does your garden grow? Even if you don’t have a yard do you have any indoor or patio plants? One of our most successful crops was on the patio of our first apartment.

New

Tue, 4 May 2010 17:49:27 -0700

I mentioned in a post a while back that I was clearing out Cooper’s old room to make space for my new adventure. I suppose most people already know, but for those of you who have been waiting on the edge of your seats to find out what I’m up to, the time has come!

Drum roll, please...

My friend Lindsey started the business about 5 years ago but found out early this year that she would be packing up her family and moving to the other side of the country in April. She wanted to keep her business going while she was away so we’ve been working together the last few months and transitioning everything over to continue operations at my house. It’s been really fun (and busy) taking everything over.

The timing could not have been more perfect for the both of us. At the hospital when we knew Cooper wasn’t going to make it, I remember telling Pat, “I don’t want to go back to work.” For whatever reason it was the last thing I wanted to do. I just couldn’t imagine working an 8-5 (or plus) job and being confined to an office all day, but I also knew I couldn’t sit around and do nothing until we had our next child when I could be a full-time mom again. Within days of Cooper’s passing Lindsey came to the mortuary with us so we could do imprints of him to go with the tiles we got when he was born. Before she arrived I was telling my mother-in-law about Lindsey’s business and that she was moving and that I wondered what she would be doing with it and that I hoped maybe I could help her out with it. When I nonchalantly asked Linds what she planned to do with Itty Bitty Imprints I was delighted when she said she wanted to keep it going and was wondering if I’d be interested in that. Everything just fell into place.

We got straight down to business and started working together shortly after. I can’t even tell you how perfect it was to have something to do and people to hang out with in those weeks following Cooper’s death. I really feel like Lindsey and her kids were literally heaven-sent. I spent nearly every day with her and Ava (5), Christian (3) and Bennett (1) for several weeks. They are just the greatest people and easy to talk to and hang out with. It was also so therapeutic for me to have someone there to talk to and work out my emotions with and perhaps most importantly, to keep my mind and my hands occupied. I think an idle mind and body in the wake of tragedy can be very, very dangerous. The kids also added a lot of comic relief which was icing on the cake.

It’s been a few weeks now since Lindsey left and things have been going well. I’m learning new stuff everyday but also having lots of fun. I love to work with my hands and create. I think it suits me a lot better than an office job, but I’ve also been surprised how much my past work experience has helped me in this new venture.

Before Lindsey left my friend Karen of Brown Mouse Photo came over and did a little photo shoot with us. It was lots of fun and don’t you think the images turned out great?

Cooper’s room had a pretty successful makeover if you ask me. Here’s a reminder of what it looked like just a few weeks back. Yikes!

We’re working on putting together a pretty spiffy website, but for now here are a few more images for you to enjoy. Thanks Karen!

How cute are these dolls? Our friend Abby over at Ruby Stitch makes them.

My nephew Jett absolutely loved the superhero ones with their masks and capes.

And last, but not least, here is a glamour shot image of me to burn in your retinas. Karen works magic to make me extra pretty in her photos.

Happy

Fri, 23 Apr 2010 10:33:32 -0700

Today I am happy. I’m not trying to say that up to this point I have been unhappy, but today I am feeling extra happy. Giddy almost. I attribute my increased happiness to a number of things.

First, I woke up this morning and met my friend Hayley for a run. This was our first run together sans strollers. She normally pushes her 2.5 year old and I push her 6 month old. She’s only been running for a week and half and already she did 3 miles in about 30 minutes! She is naturally fast and I suspect in a couple weeks when her endurance has improved she will leave me in the dust. It felt great to be outside and I felt especially aware of the beautiful nature that surrounded me.

After our run I headed to Whitney’s to do a work out video. Exercise=endorphins=happy. I think the extra workout lifted my mood. After our video I sat on the carpet and Whitney’s 1 year old, Oliver, came over and sat in my lap. He just giggled as I tickled him and his bright blue eyes lit up. I love that kid. He is always so happy and content. I’ve spent lots of time with him since Cooper died and he has been a light in my life.

In Sunday school last weekend President Mouritsen (whom I’ve long since admired) taught a lesson on making our homes a refuge during times of uncertainty. We learned that we should unclutter our life. We were counseled to make our home a place of order and beauty. This is the second time I’ve heard this lesson. What really struck me was that he asked, “What do your closets look like? Can a visitor open your closet without endangering their life?” After the first time, I came home thinking I should really make an effort to clean and organize our home, but I didn’t put that thought into action. Maybe it was coincidence, but I just happened to catch this lesson again when I showed up to a different ward at a different time. When I heard this counsel for the second time I decided it was finally go time.

I spent yesterday cleaning my closets. Whitney suggested that I pick up a couple packs of wood hangers from Ikea (8 hangers for $4.99) and then keep only enough clothes to fill the hangers. If I buy something new then I need to get rid of something old. I love the hangers because it makes me feel like my closet if kind of boutique-chic. After the closet I started on my dresser and now I have two large bins of clothes that I am giving away.

I really should have taken “before” shots, but then again, I think I would have been too embarrassed to post those. It should be a crime to have this many dry cleaning hangers!

I started working on a couple other closets yesterday too, and will continue that today until they’re finished. There is something so divine about having a clean closet. I find myself staring at it randomly during the day. It makes me happy.

I also woke up this morning thinking about my mission. During my closet overhaul last night I sorted through some old mission stuff...letters from friends, mission newsletters, journals, etc. It conjured up those same feelings I had as a full-time missionary...that I was in the right place at the right time doing just the right thing. And, boy, was it fun! I have such fond memories of my time in Denmark. Just thinking about them makes me happy.

Check out the forecast for this weekend. How can you not be happy about that? I’m even happy about the rain expected next week because then I don’t have to water my plants.

Before I let this list go on forever, I will end it with one last joyful thing. Tonight we have no plans. Don’t get me wrong, I love to go out and be social, but I am also a home-body. I’m excited to spend the evening with Patrick doing whatever we want...cleaning the house, painting our bedroom, buying flowers and vegetables to plant this weekend...whatever we want. And then tomorrow morning we get to go up to Alcatraz Island to watch the dedication of a greenhouse erected with money from my Aunt Carola’s memorial fund. She was the project manager for the Alcatraz Island gardens restoration project and passed away last year from cancer. It will be great to remember her and honor her legacy with friends and family.

I hope that everyone reading this will have a happy weekend. If you’re not happy right now, then look for a reason to be happy. It’s out there...I promise.

You Are My Sunshine

Fri, 16 Apr 2010 10:41:41 -0700

I’m not so sure anyone has a spare hour or so to listen to Cooper’s memorial service, but the whole thing is here just in case. The main reason I wanted to post it was to share the musical number with everyone. It starts right around minute 29.

Our friend Tom, that usually sits with his family in the row behind us at church, has an amazing voice. When we were planning Cooper’s service both Patrick and I wanted to have him do a musical number. I knew he would do a great job, but I also thought it would be a voice that Cooper would recognize and enjoy. The week after Cooper’s passing was just crazy. There were so many decisions that needed to be made-- hard decisions. It was draining. When Tom agreed to sing at the service we told him, “Do whatever song you want, with whomever you want. Take it and run with it.” We just didn’t have the emotional energy to get into the details and luckily Tom didn’t mind.

Not surprisingly he did an amazing job, but surprisingly, he happened to choose a song that had a lot of meaning to our family. My grandpa used to play the harmonica and my absolute favorite song that he played was You Are My Sunshine. When Cooper was a baby I would sing it to him when he was fussy and he would calm down.

I felt pretty composed the morning of Cooper’s service, but when this song started the flood of tears could not be stopped. The musical number turned out beautiful. As I listened to the last verse I was struck by how perfectly appropriate it was for Cooper’s service. I realized I had never known that third verse. It was only after the service that I found out that Tom had actually written that last verse! He felt like the original version was too dark and depressing and he wanted to capture the relationship between death and hope...emphasize that Cooper’s death wasn’t an end. It was in some ways, just a beginning. He will live again. We will live again. Together.

I wasn’t sure how to edit the mp3 of the memorial service to just include the musical number, so you’ll have to skip ahead to the marker up above. I have included the lyrics below:

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
you make me happy when clouds are grey
you’ll never know dear how much I love you
please don’t take my sunshine away

The other night dear, when I was sleeping
I dreamt I held you in my arms
but when I woke, I was mistaken
and I hung my head and I cried

But when my time on earth has ended
and I return from whence I came
at last again we’ll be together
and you’ll be my sunshine again

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
you make happy when clouds are grey
you’ll never know dear how much I love you
please don’t take my sunshine away
please don’t take my sunshine away

We just wanted to send along a special thanks to Tom for his efforts and talents in putting this musical number together and Ben for accompanying him. It is something we will treasure forever!